Douglas and the night

im having a very douglassy moment

That is I'm laying here.
 Using an Apple iPhone to write this.
While listening to the salmon of doubt.

Specifically
The part about his buying his first palm top computer.
I'm living the scene he's describing while I'm literally incapable of sleep

Anxious as ever, but Douglas is comforting.
Something about the words are familiar and somehow, sound like home.

Why do words sound like home?
I've read and listened to this book a few hundred times.
But how can words sound like home.

Nothing ever feels like home. I've traveled and moved too much for that.

I texted an old friend. Someone from my travels. From a time when I, at the time, thought I was lost, but I was most certainly found.

I'm now hearing about his first learning about evolution.
Wondering what it must have been like to read Dawkins from his truly insightful and doubly witty point of view.

The description he give is like no other.
You must read it for yourself. I woke quote it.

Force you to learn from one of the intellectual greats of our time.

Enrich your life a little.

Recently I have been thinking about nationalism, my country. My people.
The social justices as I believe they are defined.
I don't know what I think they should be defined as.

Just a side note. I was just asked to hold on cause there might be a opossum in in my friends sink. As though that is a normal issue one should have.

Speaking of universal truths, one I know is sure, a opossum in your sink is not alright.
But they seem alright with it. For the record it's not alright

Turn in that man card. You need a contractor for a price of plywood and a few screws.

"If you try to take a cat apart and see how it works the first thing you have is a non working cat. "

I shouldn't be such a dick, but I'm a troll. It's in my nature.
Side note: don't feed the trolls.

If you can follow what I write you might be as insane as I am.
Maybe not though.

Good night.

Long time.

It's been a long time. I have not written.
Why?

Well I just couldn't. No real reason, but for nearly a year I couldn't.

Now I have
Some blonde..
Blind?
Motivation to write.


Introductions to the new.
But a repeat of the old.

Another? Really?
The fuck dude?

Shouldn't have believed.

Too dumb to know what I should have actually done.
But that is how it happens


Now it is entirely different.
Now it is all fucked.

Fucked.
Interesting word that.
That's how it started.
I got fucked.

More and more

sleepless nights

That's when it comes
The thoughts

The past relives in my mind

Could have
Would have

Should
Would

A place. A time
Dread
Don't know why


I hate everyone

I need to get laid
A woman I sleep next to
Supposedly mine

Never gives herself to me

The one that will.
A continent away.

The one I want
A family.
A life.

The past again runs across my mind.
I miss my old times
On the road.
Traveling around new people every week

Never having to commit.

And then there's work.
Too much of it
But not enough money.

Too many things to do.
Kinda hate it.
Kinda love it.
Thriving on insanity
Hating chaos and loving it.
But by

The anxiety again

I remember this time
I was first with the carnival
Hyde park
I'll never forget it
This kind kid stood up on a ride
I was running it

Sent him flying.
I didn't notice it fast enough

He got hurt
But was okay
Mostly


I'll never forget the girls face I was talking
Instead of doing my job


Learned a valuable lesson
Never feel shame

You see I was ashamed of this.
That I let that kid get hurt.
But I realized a while later
I didn't let it.
Things just happen.

I have never been ashamed of anything since

Now I go through life
Causing mayhem and loss for those around me
Controlling every situation

Chewing it up.
The chaos I create feeds me.

Maybe I am a monster.

Once again

insomnia happens.

I lay here thinking of a time past.
A carnival sport from powers. I cannot recall the name.
A girl I met there and what we did.
I don't however remember her
Face
Name
Anything about her

It was maybe Pennsylvania
North Carolina?

A place I cannot remember
A spot I forgot


    I wrote to "kilo"
That is ken
On a wall


I met someone there
Dale bunked across from me
Her threw the crazy out of my bunk when I was sick one time



Life's a carnival right?? Ride til you puke


I sit thinking of the past
Wishing for sleep as my nightmarish past
Haunts me


All I've done to those
Innocent of my judgement
Used so many
My control of the weak


Survival of the fittest right

I am strong
Minded
Willed
And most of all
I am smart

I control people with a silver tongue


Bending to my will is easy
Beating me if you're a mark
Impossible

This is what I did to this girl
At that spot
I don't remember her at all

What I remember is the control
I made her mine
In every way.


She spent money on me
Satisfied my desires
Let me have her self and her body for my own enjoyment


What did I get for it
A few orgasms?
A wind night out

She even Indulged things
Taboo things

The things she was willing to do

Her mind was weak and I preyed on her
The control was mine in every way

Do I remorse?
I don't think so
I never felt bad

Not even when I made her cry
She couldn't sit down the next day
I forced her to do it
She said yes then begged me to finish fast


The only thing I remember clearly about her
The feeling it gave me when I did it
She's never say no.


Then when I was bored of her I got her to leave
She left the show
Went home.

I went on to the next spot.

Not until this insomnia filled night did I think of her again


iSudo is a monster

merely a text.

She reads and she reads but never dares a reply. That, for her at least, would be a vial sin.

Her mind screams as she opens the text. "No... BAD"
Her heart forces her hand.

Angst.

The internal battle rivaled by no other. For this is a battle fraught with desire and love.

 Neither side winning, losses to great. The only casualties are the innocent emotion with in.

[AFk...]

It's happening

The great AFK

That is to say
Why continue?


Ranked?
3


Two

One.
Time at band camp?

A conflict...
Can't do both.

Have tried. Doesn't work
Too bad

Can has
Do want
???
Profit.

Good girl
Take the shot

You took him out
Nice.
Now clutch

Nice.


Rigt there
That's why I clicked add


Who's next.
We got this

Rekt


Just blowin
Steam

Can has do want.

Must has
But no

Never will we see.

Rekt
Or am I?

43ms

Ping
43ms

Speed of connection
Dream of redemption

A soul
Digitized

A mind
Removed from

The body the bore it

Snappy and powerful
Disaster debates

Reluctant
Mastering

Submitting
To creation

Terifying
Ourself

Delve in?
Get to win

Can you provide
Original content

Rael

Do I ?

Things that matter

Do they matter

A cat that

Might be

Mundane

But inside 

Insane

Chasing

My tail 

Or hers?

Could it be

A thing

That's wrong

Eros 

avaricious Selfish need 

Trak that stat

Chase a clutch

Flirting with

The kill

So much

Banter

Every witty remark

Reks 

Once opened

the gates allow a flood

Words
Somany.

Writing again
Is hard

I was hard
But porn
Lost its thrill.


Self improvement is masterbation
But for who
Certainly not ones self


Never knowing
What's
Actually in my mind

The words
Not their

But hear



Floods of thought
My train
A pontoons wake in an ocean

Another mind
Interesting.

Rare enough
But an interesting

Rare

Lost again in thought
Lost again

But here we go.

Once again

i have neglected
My writing

I have lost
my
rouge muse

A tragedy
Or an epic?

...



The bone cold
Winter nights

A digital fix
Now and again

A creature I miss
A creation I made

Lonesome satire
Banter

And addiction
Calmed by only one thing

I miss warmth
All I get is cold

The winter of
Our discontent

A flick
Barely a bic

Trust?
Bet?


Strange happenings
Replaced by strange creations

Photoshopped life?
Posted to /soc/

Never
Original content

Too much to
Expect?
Want.

Maybe addiction
Maybe luck

 What a waste
My mind that is.

Been a while

Been a while since I last wrote

My muse abruptly departed me

My past is a bitch. 

I can handle it. 

No 

Told you so

Mused now

But for annoyance

Mitigating bullshits. 

But I can't stop.

My firry muse

But I can't.

Ive said I'm a bad guy

Why no one ever believe that

Learn from the past, it's behind you

I just can't.  

No one knows iSudo 

Well she does. 

So completely

But only 

No one else

The blonde pixie only wished 

Not even close.

The point is life's too short. 

But all your fears lead you away

Have a Valium and get over it

Fear isn't real. 

I just can't. 

What a disaster

Been too long. 

I want a goodnight. 

Clouds

Kissing my 

Path 

Slowly to your

Lips

Just one kiss for them 

Then another

They part 

I can taste you now

Savoring this

Slowly 

Deeper, a gentle bite

Your shiver

Send me into heaven

Your pleasure

My fantasy

Squirming against my 

Kiss

I find that place

Taking you to the edge

Backing away

And returning. 

Slowly ever closer

Then rushing for it

Right there

With out another warning

You're there

My tongue chasing your climax

Pushing you farther

I don't stop

You're there again 

Quickly 

I revel in this

I keep you there 

This time

Making you hover

Your cloud of passion

Lifting you off your seat

Shaking and spent

Go back to work now darlin

Mph

Rpm's

Mpg

The road

Angelic cooing in my ear

Extasy builds

Her voice that's

All I hear

Moans

My name

Red light! 

Fuck that was close

We're both so close

The edge

The risk

Keep my wits

Numb toes

Light headed

And nearly there

Nearly arrived as well

She's there

So am I 

That's a ride

A rush

Pull over

Can't wreck

She's there again

I meet her there

Crazy

Crazy

He’s nuts

So you say.

this?

Yes this?

Maggie May… hell no

Mrs Robinson though

Desires bleed from pours

Drips thick… almost too thick

This Darkness, inducing primitive need

I Hunger for us…

Daylight bring harsh

Truth? Fallacy.

Make your own truth.

500~ truths

Separation demands to be

Simultaneous

Completion.

Of these dreams

premonitions

De-trop

Years

Miles

Blatantly frivolous;

Obvious;

Rationalizations

Real reasons why not?

Do they exist?

Still crazy

Nuts

Can’t do it ?

Says ‘Oh yes he can…’

Tenacity

Always gets his Due.

How can it be

so absolute

This thing we

Feel.

Is it ?

Yes...

 

Races

My heart races

Skipping beats

I'm lost in

My own mind

What I sow 

What I reap

Abruptly and absurd

Stop... Just stop

Refuse

Tenacious with reckless...

Need

Indeed I must 

Cannot yield

Racing again 

Toward this

Surreal and real

So-real

A direction

South?

Have to

Be 

With 

You

My ladyfriend. 

 

Taste.

Pulling you to me. 

Kissing you, traveling from your lips to your cheek. 

To your ear, and down your neck. 

Following your neck line, kissing your collar bone. Pausing only to pull your shirt off. Then traveling down your chest, leaving a torrid trail of kisses to each nipple. 

Pushing you back onto your bed, I stop, just too look into your eyes. 

I can see the lust, the need for my touch. I must have you

In this moment it's yours, and so am I. Entirely with out exception and no one else in the world matters, or even exists. 

Crawling on too of you, kissing you again, this time following the same trail all the way down your belly. 

Unbuttoning your pants with my teeth. Kissing right under the button, and across the waist band. 

Hooking fingers in the belt loops and easing them down just a little. Pausing at each hip for a slow teasing kiss, then following them down, kissing you through your cotton panties. 

Nibbling and teasing each thigh. 

I look up. Whispering... I love you gorgeous... inching back to kiss you. Once more, hands on your body, pulling you to me, their need so evident. Raw

Running rough hands through your hair, along your neck. Feeling your soft fragile skin. Following the curves of your body, memorizing every sensual inch. Tracing your mound, following strong thighs, I part your legs slightly.  

Allowing one hand to wander, it finds you. Finds your panties, and slips just inside the elastic. 

I feel you wriggle under my touch, and my need for you grows. 

My hand wanders farther, allowing it to touch you, barely caressing you. You quiver. Your soft skin, and well groomed hair, mine for the taking. 

Kissing you again, more deeply now, I find it. I slide my fingers through your slit. Feeling your wetness, making little urgent circles on your clit. Opening your mouth to let out an inaudable moan. 

Hearing you moan softly, I explore you again. Deeper now barely allowing a finger tip to enter you. Push reach, pushing it in you. The arch of your hip in time with my hand. Moving in and out of you. 

I can't take anymore I think to myself.

Kissing my way down again. I slip your panties off. Slowly spreading your legs as I kiss my way up. I need to taste you 

Running the tip of my tongue up your thigh. Pausing only long enough to allow a long slow kiss between your legs, savoring this, before continuing to the other. 

I whisper. Urgent now, as I say it.  I need you. 

Kissing you, opening your legs wide.  Allowing my tongue to explore you. Tasting you for the first time, pure ecstasy. 

Sucking your clit into my mouth, fluttering my tongue against it, pressing it into you. Following your bodies curve down again and entering you with my tongue. I can taste you now, feel you pressing yourself against my mouth. Our need for this, primal. 

Eating you while you fuck my face, I can hardly take it. Arching your hips to meet my tongue.  My throbbing cock needs you. I do not indulge my need focusing only on you. The need to please you is too great. 

Spreading you wide with my mouth, feeling your body buck and throb against my tongue. I taste it, and feel your pussy clamping, pulsing around my tongue. 

Your hands in my hair. Pulling my face to you. I can barely breath, don't care. More then air I need this. Give me this, let me taste your ecstasy. 

You ablidge, grabbing my hair, fucking my face as you explode in the throws of ecstasy. Wrapping your legs around my head, I hear only muffled cooing, aminal instinct to display your joy, lust. You allow me this, give me this. 

All I want is this taste, your taste. 

Rouge, Porcelain

Velvet

Emerald, and Rouge. 

A fantasy?

Soon to come true

Camera and Pen

A phone

Powerful verses

Breathing life with words.

True to life

Thing described... 

Needs. These Will do

Given

Taken

Watching lips

Watching words? 

A unique rouge

Against pale porcelain

A dream?

Fantasy

Future.

All too unknown.

Fathomed as reality

A ringer

The phone just rang It was her mother. My daughters mother... she's dying... Now what?

Out of No Where

Out of No Where.

It came like fire

Rolled in like thunder.

Hit like a freight train

Reckless abandon?

Yes please, I'll have some of that~

A chance?

? I guess so. 

Very different Isn't this

But very tempting

Stop it.

An entirely different

Time

Place

Planet?

Mountains, cars, trees, shops, people

Seems just like any other.

Why does this feel like such a change?

It's not that big of a deal... Gonna be alright...

It feels so easy, do I know you already?

It makes me feel good

And I feel great about the promise of this. 

Worries of pain

My intentions are true

Protection... Protect it

Safe, safe with me

My muse, lover, ladyfriend..?

More then love.

My heart. Soul. 

When I wake

You're in my arms.

Dreams of red ---r Green -y--

Purple...

            becoming my soul

            Are my heart

All the bad, all the good

You made me feel again

Words

Words.

Filthy word

Strong word

Powerful word. 

Word about love

Word about fear.

Words of trust

Lust?

Word about creation

Creating a new

Beginning? Ending?

Words are such amazing things. 

Changing

Designing

Building

Destroying

Defining? 

That one is hard though. 

Somethings

Undefinable?

How 

One uses, chooses, and combines 

Words

They define them selves

Intentionally or not

 Word 

Even now these words

As I write them

They hold true power.