I am an utter mess...
I should begin with my Ex Wife.... Shes not replying to my emails or answering my calls and is up my ass with a lawyer trying to tell me I'm unfit to even talk to my son Lucas. I don't even know how to handle that.
My... well Not girlfriend but someone who I love a lot. She claims to love me too, and that she is not playing games with me... well we were partying with twitch and some others, and drinking.... she was all hugging on every other guy there, and ignoring me the whole evening... then when I asked her why she was ignoring me she got angry with me for getting a little jealous...yet earlier this week she got super fuck jealous over my paying just a little attention to someone else.
Last night I called my best-friend that I am more then a little in love with...and she wont even give me a chance at making her happy and making her my girl... in fact I would have succeeded in killing my self last night Like I tried to do if it wasn't for the fact that I got her voice mail and wanted to tell her good bye person to person.... Thats just not a voice mail I could bear to leave.
I called one of my closest friends and she made me feel a little better and made me know that I wasn't going to die, even though I lost what looked like alot of blood.
I Slashed my wrist last night... I did it the right way... not to necessarily kill my self although I did hope that I would accidentally end up doing the job.... but to feel physical pain.... I bled a lot... I soaked a Dish drying towel and my shirt and my pants leg.... physical pain is the only thing that seemed to help me not feel the emotions that were making me suicidal, but it didn't even work... now all I have is a blood loss, and sore wrist, a dull razor, and worse emotional pain then I have ever felt in my life... I hurt so fucking bad.... I just want to die...
Every thing in my life is not worth it... every thing in my life is a joke... My mother doesn't understand why I"m lonely and sullen all the time... I cry every night and sleep until the late afternoon.... Every thing I do just seems so pointless even writing this blog.... I only write it for you who can read it... who are on my preferred list, who are my closest friends, who might care if I die.... I write it to you so that if I disappear and you never see or hear from me again , you know that I died by my own hand, but that it is exactly the way I wanted it to happen and that I am in a better place. I don't know whats going to happen, I don't know what I am going to do, but what ever it is... I love you all very much and I"m sorry. it will be no ones fault but my own.
