More and more

sleepless nights

That's when it comes
The thoughts

The past relives in my mind

Could have
Would have

Should
Would

A place. A time
Dread
Don't know why


I hate everyone

I need to get laid
A woman I sleep next to
Supposedly mine

Never gives herself to me

The one that will.
A continent away.

The one I want
A family.
A life.

The past again runs across my mind.
I miss my old times
On the road.
Traveling around new people every week

Never having to commit.

And then there's work.
Too much of it
But not enough money.

Too many things to do.
Kinda hate it.
Kinda love it.
Thriving on insanity
Hating chaos and loving it.
But by

The anxiety again

I remember this time
I was first with the carnival
Hyde park
I'll never forget it
This kind kid stood up on a ride
I was running it

Sent him flying.
I didn't notice it fast enough

He got hurt
But was okay
Mostly


I'll never forget the girls face I was talking
Instead of doing my job


Learned a valuable lesson
Never feel shame

You see I was ashamed of this.
That I let that kid get hurt.
But I realized a while later
I didn't let it.
Things just happen.

I have never been ashamed of anything since

Now I go through life
Causing mayhem and loss for those around me
Controlling every situation

Chewing it up.
The chaos I create feeds me.

Maybe I am a monster.