More and more

sleepless nights

That's when it comes
The thoughts

The past relives in my mind

Could have
Would have

Should
Would

A place. A time
Dread
Don't know why


I hate everyone

I need to get laid
A woman I sleep next to
Supposedly mine

Never gives herself to me

The one that will.
A continent away.

The one I want
A family.
A life.

The past again runs across my mind.
I miss my old times
On the road.
Traveling around new people every week

Never having to commit.

And then there's work.
Too much of it
But not enough money.

Too many things to do.
Kinda hate it.
Kinda love it.
Thriving on insanity
Hating chaos and loving it.
But by

The anxiety again

I remember this time
I was first with the carnival
Hyde park
I'll never forget it
This kind kid stood up on a ride
I was running it

Sent him flying.
I didn't notice it fast enough

He got hurt
But was okay
Mostly


I'll never forget the girls face I was talking
Instead of doing my job


Learned a valuable lesson
Never feel shame

You see I was ashamed of this.
That I let that kid get hurt.
But I realized a while later
I didn't let it.
Things just happen.

I have never been ashamed of anything since

Now I go through life
Causing mayhem and loss for those around me
Controlling every situation

Chewing it up.
The chaos I create feeds me.

Maybe I am a monster.

Once again

insomnia happens.

I lay here thinking of a time past.
A carnival sport from powers. I cannot recall the name.
A girl I met there and what we did.
I don't however remember her
Face
Name
Anything about her

It was maybe Pennsylvania
North Carolina?

A place I cannot remember
A spot I forgot


    I wrote to "kilo"
That is ken
On a wall


I met someone there
Dale bunked across from me
Her threw the crazy out of my bunk when I was sick one time



Life's a carnival right?? Ride til you puke


I sit thinking of the past
Wishing for sleep as my nightmarish past
Haunts me


All I've done to those
Innocent of my judgement
Used so many
My control of the weak


Survival of the fittest right

I am strong
Minded
Willed
And most of all
I am smart

I control people with a silver tongue


Bending to my will is easy
Beating me if you're a mark
Impossible

This is what I did to this girl
At that spot
I don't remember her at all

What I remember is the control
I made her mine
In every way.


She spent money on me
Satisfied my desires
Let me have her self and her body for my own enjoyment


What did I get for it
A few orgasms?
A wind night out

She even Indulged things
Taboo things

The things she was willing to do

Her mind was weak and I preyed on her
The control was mine in every way

Do I remorse?
I don't think so
I never felt bad

Not even when I made her cry
She couldn't sit down the next day
I forced her to do it
She said yes then begged me to finish fast


The only thing I remember clearly about her
The feeling it gave me when I did it
She's never say no.


Then when I was bored of her I got her to leave
She left the show
Went home.

I went on to the next spot.

Not until this insomnia filled night did I think of her again


iSudo is a monster